Some People Call Me Maurice…

The Pompatus of Love.

This may or may not horrify you, but I watch TV.  I think of it as an exercise in marital understanding. We’re all different, right? For some of us, TV is entertainment. For others, it’s a tool we use to get through the flu without actually killing ourselves.

Shaun and I baffle each other. How did we ever get married? How has it lasted 16 years?

We stare at each other a lot. And then something unexpected happens.

I don’t understand you, but here: I bought you a horse.

I don’t understand you, but here: I bought you this ugly giant flat screen TV.

We try to bridge the divide.  Occasionally, Shaun volunteers to come to the barn.  Encased in a ton of metal with the doors locked.  What she’s thinking:  “Why would I want to be outside? In the dirt? With bugs? Is that…poop?  Ewwwwww. Didn’t you come home with a black eye recently?”

Shaun asks me to watch TV with her.  “Sure!” I say, stuffing my reluctance deep into an old, unused, neuron.

I stare at the TV. I stare at Shaun. What I’m thinking: “Why would I want to see Inside San Quentin? Blech. I also watch, through my fingers, relationship dramas acted out above anesthetized, bloody bodies.  Is that a LIVER? Ewwwwww.”

Enter American Idol: I love all music, Shaun loves all TV reality shows. It should be win-win.

Keith Urban had to screw it up. (Dang it all Keith, you’re my favorite judge.) This week he wore a T-shirt printed with “Some People Call Me Maurice”. I burst out laughing, and giggled every time the camera panned to the judges.

This looked a lot better on Keith.
It looked a lot better on Keith. I suspect this is probably true of clothing in general.

(I had to laugh at something. The contestants were instructed to sing a Beatles song. Beatles? Who are the Beatles?) 

“What’s so funny?”, Shaun asks, mystified.

“His shirt!”, I gasp, as disturbing memories, mostly involving a dorm room at UC Berkeley and Alex’s make-up from Clockwork Orange, un-spoll in my brain.

“What does it mean?”, she says.

“Space Cowboy?”, I say.

“Himalayan Dental Assistant?”, she says, trying to figure out this wacko game of bizarre careers.

“The Joker?”, I say, certain this will make my point crystal clear.

“The Green Lantern?” she says, baffled.

If only The Green Lantern were here to shine the light of justice and rock and roll...
Shining the light of truth, justice, and rock music. Also rocking the Abs. Why do superheros get the best abs?

We’re in trouble. We go back to the show.

I Play My Music in the Sun

The next day, I bring up video of The Steve Miller Band on YouTube.  Shaun listens with that look on her face.

“You like this?”, she says, stuffing her incredulity into a vacated synapse.

I’m so busy processing how innocuous this song seems in 2013, (it felt very counter-culture in 1974), that I have to make her repeat her question.

“Well, yeah, don’t you?”, I say.

“Not exactly?”, she says, searching for something that won’t hurt my feelings: “I was more in to Motown.”

I can work with this: I like Motown.

Problem: I also like Metallica. Led Zepplin. Janis Joplin. Bach. Jay-Z. Lady Gaga. Loretta Lynn. Mozart. Brooks and Dunn. Eminem. Itzhak Perlman. Barbara Streisand. The Village People.  (Did I say that last one out loud?)

Of course I like them. YMCA? I'm gay.  It's genetic.  Same with Abba.
I”m gay, therefore I’m genetically predisposed to liking the Village People and Abba. I am dance-spastic. But hand me a pink feather boa, and I’m definitely not sitting out Dancing Queen. Even though I should. Really.

Sure Don’t Want to Hurt No One

My dad used to say two things weren’t for sissies:

  1. Getting Old
  2. Love

Getting Old: I nearly had a heart attack listening to some really GOOD musicians say they’d never heard of the Beatles.  Not for sissies.

Love: I don’t think Dad meant actual love?  Love is easy.  Blammo. Love slams you, whether it’s your wife, husband, kid, or fur family.  It just flattens us. Getting up over and over, that’s the hard part.

I’m pretty sure Dad meant sticking to a relationship in which the other half doesn’t like rock and roll.

THAT is not for sissies.

17 thoughts on “Some People Call Me Maurice…

  1. I giggled as soon as I saw the title of the blog (I don’t watch American Idol but got the original reference)I am unapologetic that I like T.V. I think this is what happens in your late 40’s- “I like TV, peanut butter pie and So You Think You Can Dance and I don’t care what you think”. 🙂

    My husband and I like different shows so the DVR is wonderful. I record all of my fav shows and watch them on my own schedule. Since we’ve done this there has been much less sighing going on.

    And I don’t think that it’s contradictory to love Supernatural, Star Trek and Downton Abbey at all. Together we are hooked on home reno shows and real estate shows.

    As for music, my son summed it up one day after being subjected to my ipod selection in the car: “mom, you music is just, so, random!” I love Led Zeppelin, ABBA, Gwnen Steffani, Lady Ga Ga, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Blue Rodeo. there are more but perhaps this represents the variety.

      1. Gah! Downton Abbey. LOVE that show. I am a tv person. Who, knew?
        Interesting. Shaun can watch prison TV and sleep like a baby. Downton Abbey gives her the creeps. This is as puzzling to me as it is to her, that I can’t watch Gray’s Anatomy. 😉

  2. I found a solution – my TV has no reception, so I skip stuff until it is on DVD then watch a whole season in a week with no commercials. Win! I’m a winner, I’m a grinner….

  3. I also like the Village People and Abba, and I’m not even gay! I think it might be an age thing, and a spastic dancing, geeky thing. Or something. You know what, we just have good taste darn it! 😉

    (And OMG how can you be a singer and NOT have heard of the Beatles? Wouldn’t that be like a Ballerina being like “oh I’ve never heard of Tchaikovsky.”)

    1. I think we should go with “we just have good taste, darn it!” And perfect metaphor. What little ballerina would NOT have heard of “The Nutcracker”?!

  4. The American way, crappy TV and even Crappier box office movies.

    I hate it so much yet pay 100 bucks a month just to have it. I Spend way to many hours watching reruns of NCIS or Castle (all of which I have seen a hundred times). I’m waiting on the weather to break. (really I am)

    Sometimes I read, while I watch TV. You can do that when you have seen an episode so many times you can recite the lines in your sleep.

    I guess I could always go with TC’s favorite show, AFV. (aka 101 ways to smack yourself in the nads)
    Options C:Rent a “funny” movie, about nothing complete with the F bomb every other sentence.

    Still waiting for that weather to break!

  5. Steve Miller songs were very mysterious to me – being the wee one I was back then. I remember my parents giggling and exchanging knowing glances to the line “I really love your peaches, want to shake your tree…” Sort of scarred me. Much like the thought of anyone not knowing about the Beatles… say it isn’t so!

    My favorite (non Murphy including) post so far… girl – you are hysterical!

  6. I’m living with my mom (my nickname: “Retirement plan”), and she sits in front of the tv all day, every day. Besides the fact it’s not helpful for her already declining mental state, I really kind of hate tv, and when living alone probably had my tv on once a month. I have now acquired “my” tv shows for self defense so I don’t have to suffer through hers all the time, and it includes as much dancing and singing as possible.
    Also, I think I love all the music in your list. I would probably prefer finding a man into that than one into horses, because I would still have a safe escape when I needed alone time…

  7. After 12 yrs together with no tv my husband informed me that he wanted one. And then bought a huge flat screen. It’s HUGE. Well, to me anyway. Luckily, we have some things we both like well enough though they all seem to be cancelled and only available on DVD or Netflix (Deadwood for one and I won’t let him fast forward through the opening cause I love that horse).

    When I saw the title of this post I thought Murphy had discovered girls! I like Steve Miller and anyone who doesn’t know the Beatles I don’t want to know!

  8. Your wife IS my husband! Wait, that didn’t come out right. We’re the slightly different hetero version of yall, how about that?

    I bought Dixie in a fit of spite after G snuck off and bought a flat screen TV. “You can get ~financing~, huh? I can get financing too, jerk!” But we forgave each other pretty quickly and we watch shitty TV together all winter, too. Storage Wars. Duck Dynasty. Top Gear. The NFL.

    1. LOL, I thought it came out perfectly. 😉 We often settle on something that doesn’t exactly satisfy either of us. Even though I’m the one into makeup and heels, I love anything with saws, hammers, and DIY. Prison TV and medical dramas are too scary for me!

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