The Argument Against Little Green Men

Shaun had her knee replaced.

I asked the Universe for patience, faith, steady surgical hands, good thoughts, prayers, and (please, please, PLEASE…) humor.

The Universe spun its wheel, and we landed the winning Power ball Lottery Number for all of the above.

Bing bing bing bing bing!

Amusing event #1: Good Little Lemmings.

Alarm at 4 am. Arrive promptly at hospital at 4:45 am.

At her pre-op appointments, Shaun was sternly told three times she MUST be in hospital pre-op room at 5 am. They also made her sign and initial a sheet of paper stating the same. They left a phone message reminding her: 5 am…or else. (Ixnay on the surgery-ay.)

We wait in the dark lobby under the watchful eye of a security guard with a soft spot. He didn’t want to watch us dripping in the rain on the other side of the glass. Outside the locked hospital. The locked hospital with the locked pre-op room. That opens at 6:00.

Okay, maybe I should have been a bit more specific with The Universe on what is ‘humorous‘ and what is: ‘do you think they disinfect these chairs?’

Amusing Event #2: Highly Caffeinated, Enthusiastic Surgical Team.

Shaun is barely settled in her pre-op curtain-icle. I get to go back with her. Within minutes, a bunch of eager, tall, slender people in green scrubs flock and flit around her gurney. Introductions are cheerfully made over the sound of surgical gloves being snapped on. I’m strangely self-conscious of my sweat pants and bed-hair. It’s like some sort of macabre early morning cocktail party. Why didn’t I dress better? Put on make up? Use deodorant?

They are all so…cheerful. They look like happy kids milling around a school bus on field trip day.

The anesthesiologist chooses this moment to say to Shaun:

“Huh. Weird EKG in your chart. You got any heart problems? No? Have you ever died under anesthetic before? No?” Looks around.  “Okay, we’re good to roll people!”

As an after thought, before walking out of the curtain-icle, he says, “Don’t worry, if you die, well just resuscitate you.” He pats her hand indulgently. Gifts her with a practiced smile.

Before the anxiety building in my body can form into something as solid as words (“Weird EKG?! WHAT WEIRD EKG??” pause “Wait. Have you ever died BEFORE?”), the green suited people put green gloved hands on the gurney rails, and start moving her quickly, as if this were an emergency. Possibly they felt the anethesiologist had just turned this is to a critical situation, and they were trying to save all their lives.

A nurse waves me in the direction of the unlocked doors: “Surgery waiting room, out there, on the left.”

Shaun is rolling in the other direction, to toward the doors with pass code locks. The nurse bends sweetly down over Shaun’s head. It’s clear she’s about to impart something comforting. I feel relieved.  A little too soon.

What she actually says, with a lilting bounce: “Let’s go! Time to cut you open!”

Mayday! Mayday! I can’t process that…I’m still stuck on…weird EKG and casual have you ever died under anesthesia before? 

Shaun glances, pre-op drug-befuddled, at me over her shoulder: “…cut you open? Gah. ME. They mean cut me op…”

And the door slams shut after her.

The Universe is definitely messing with me.

There are no little green men with sharp implements, bright lights, and a gleeful lust to slice open a  human body.

We had it all wrong.  They’re tall.

And they look just like us.

It Came From Outer Space

If we were fit, freshly showered, wearing clean clothes, and bothered to slap on some makeup.

8 thoughts on “The Argument Against Little Green Men

  1. well it was nice of him to make sure she knew he would resuscitate her. I guess. In a weird, medical humour kind of way.

    As for the time I suspect they say 5 to make sure you are there when they open. probably. Did they say anything about the 6 a.m.?

    I hope that Shaun had/has an unremarkable recovery. As in totally boring and no exciting moments to test your humour reflexes. 🙂

    1. Me being me, I HAD to ask the nurse who came to fetch us from the waiting room, “Why did the doc insist we be here at 5 if the hospital doesn’t even open until 6?” She laughed. “Oh, you must have Dr. Soandso! We’re always in a big fight with him about this. He wants patients here at 5 am while he’s still home shaving. He likes to start on time.”

      Apparently it’s common for people to be late to their own surgeries?

  2. Well, seems the universe thinks there is ‘funny good’ and ‘funny bad’. Congrats on surviving, both of you, and manipulating it into ‘funny good’. Nice recovery… I try to visualize hospital visits into spa days. It doesn’t work of course, but it gives me something else to think about, and they have heated blankets…. They don’t give those blankets to the waiting room sitters, though.

    1. Thank goodness for good people! He was totally onboard with making sure we weren’t left out in the dark rain. Even if it meant he had to be super bored for an hour standing around pretending not to watch us.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s