I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions.
Why? Because I, Jane, am a rebel. Unfortunately, I’m a practical rebel, who knows her limitations. My lists contain escape clauses.
This is how every New Year’s Resolution Lists turn out:
I will not eat cake more than once a month. I will not eat cake more than once a week.
- I will not eat cake every day.
I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes of cardio, 30 minutes of weights. I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes on the treadmill with the TV. I will look at the gym every day, and consider going through the door.
- I will randomly think about the gym. While eating cake.
I will enjoy long walks in the rain with my dog, and see it as quality time.(Instead of walking ten feet and saying “will you POOP already?”) I will endure long walks in the rain with the dog, no complaining.
- I will consider dashing out between sprinkles without yelling “POOP!” at the top of my lungs.
I will think before I speak. I will pause as if I’m thinking before I speak.
- I’m just going to blurt it out.
I will stop apologizing for everything. (It’s kind of a tic) I will stop apologizing for the dumb stuff.
- I’m sorry: sorry sorry sorry.
I will organize the file drawer and keep it updated. I will organize the stuff to file, so it’s easy to file later.
- I will shred anything that is not notarized.
I will blog better. I will blog.
- I will blather a lot on the internet.
I will rekindle my fashion sense, and update my style. I will check my color wheel before shopping.
- I’ll buy a new T-shirt.
I will keep the interior of my car vacuumed, and wash it once a week. I will throw out the trash that accumulates in the car, daily.
- I will shove all the crap under the seats.
I’ll make a reasonable budget, and stick to it. I’ll make a budget, and look at it before spending.
- I’ll spend and panic.
I will make it my mission to spread cheer and goodness in the world every day. I’ll say something positive at least once during the day.
- I’ll tell my mom she looks nice, some time this year.
I will stop procrastinating. I will procrastinate less.
- I’ll figure it out later.
I tried reverse psychology one year (one can hope that one is seriously stupid):
- I will eat cake every day.
- I will make a nest on the sofa so I only have to forage for food and fresh clicker batteries.
- I’ll teach the dog how to flush the toilet to avoid winter walks
- I’ll say really stupid stuff often: it will just be out there that I’m an imbecile. I won’t have to wonder if it shows.
- I will pile all the paper up on my desk.
- I’ll never write anything. Ever.
- I’m not leaving my nest, so who cares about style? Bonus: nixes spending issues. Can’t reach computer.
- I’m going to be really negative, grouchy and cranky. It’ll be fun!
- I’ll turn procrastinating into the form of high art it deserves to be.
Oddly, this was the only year my resolutions worked. After a week of perfect sloth, indifference, crankiness and an extremely disgruntled dog, I had to quit.
Fine. I’m lying. I lasted two days.
You can get pizza delivered easily. Why is there no cake delivery service? Isn’t that a no-brainer? When more than half the population of the world is women?
1-800-dial-a-slice. I think I’ll start a company.