Rebel With a Clause: The Dreaded New Year’s Resolution List

English: A cake.

I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions.

Why? Because I, Jane, am a rebel. Unfortunately, I’m a practical rebel, who knows her limitations. My lists contain escape clauses.

This is how every New Year’s Resolution Lists turn out:

  •  I will not eat cake more than once a month.
  • I will not eat cake more than once a week.
  • I will not eat cake every day.
  • I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes of cardio, 30 minutes of weights.
  • I will go to the gym every day: 30 minutes on the treadmill with the TV.
  • I will look at the gym every day, and consider going through the door.
  • I will randomly think about the gym. While eating cake.
  • I will enjoy long walks in the rain with my dog, and see it as quality time. (Instead of walking ten feet and saying “will you POOP already?”)
  • I will endure long walks in the rain with the dog, no complaining.
  • I will consider dashing out between sprinkles without yelling “POOP!” at the top of my lungs.
  • I will think before I speak.
  • I will pause as if I’m thinking before I speak.
  • I’m just going to blurt it out.
  • I will stop apologizing for everything.  (It’s kind of a tic)
  • I will stop apologizing for the dumb stuff.
  • I’m sorry: sorry sorry sorry
  • I will organize the file drawer and keep it updated.
  • I will organize the stuff to file, so it’s easy to file later.
  • I will shred anything that is not notarized.
  • I will blog better.
  • I will blog.
  • I will blather a lot on the internet.
  • I will rekindle my fashion sense, and update my style.
  • I will check my color wheel before shopping.
  • I’ll buy a new T-shirt.
  • I will keep the interior of my car vacuumed, and wash it once a week.
  • I will throw out the trash that accumulates in the car, daily.
  • I will shove all the crap under the seats.
  • I’ll make a reasonable budget, and stick to it.
  • I’ll make a budget, and look at it before spending.
  • I’ll spend and panic.
  • I will make it my mission to spread cheer and goodness in the world every day.
  • I’ll say something positive at least once during the day.
  • I’ll tell my mom she looks nice, some time this year.
  • I will stop procrastinating.
  • I will procrastinate less.
  • I’ll figure it out later.

I tried reverse psychology one year (one can hope that one is seriously stupid):

  • I will eat cake every day.
  • I will make a nest on the sofa so I only have to forage for food and fresh clicker batteries.
  • I’ll teach the dog how to flush the toilet to avoid winter walks
  • I’ll say really stupid stuff often: it will just be out there that I’m an imbecile. I won’t have to wonder if it shows.
  • I will pile all the paper up on my desk.
  • I’ll never write anything. Ever.
  • I’m not leaving my nest, so who cares about style? Bonus: nixes spending issues.  Can’t reach computer.
  • I’m going to be really negative, grouchy and cranky.  It’ll be fun!
  • I’ll turn procrastinating into the form of high art it deserves to be.

Oddly, this was the only year my resolutions worked.  After a week of perfect sloth, indifference, crankiness and an extremely disgruntled dog, I had to quit.

Fine. I’m lying.  I lasted two days.

You can get pizza delivered easily.  Why is there no cake delivery service? Isn’t that a no-brainer? When more than half the population of the world is women?

1-800-dial-a-slice. I think I’ll start a company.


19 thoughts on “Rebel With a Clause: The Dreaded New Year’s Resolution List

  1. If I were the kind of girl who made resolution lists (which I am not, because I don’t like creating a paper trail documenting my inevitable failures), mine would certainly look like this.

    Seriously, can we get moving on this Cake Delivery thing? I really could have used a slice around 8pm last night. Will they deliver any time of day or night? Pretty please?

  2. My favorite Chinese place has a good cheesecake.

    And they deliver.

    I order from them a lot. I think they have figured it out, because they used to be a little sporadic on actually having the cheesecake on hand, but now it’s always available.

  3. Jane, dear. I was with you 100% until I got to “winter.”

    Because, Jane dear, y’all don’t HAVE winter at your lattitude. You have, I dunno what to call it. But whatever it is, it isn’t 10+ months of cold temps and perpetual precipitation of varying colors and consistencies, ergo, not winter.

    Sorry. But I’d like some cake, please. Chocolate? Please? Dear?

    1. Resolution List Continued….

      1. I will not whine about six drops of water that fall near me when a cloud wafts by. 😉
      (Please see the resolution regarding blurting.)

      Right. My cousin in Alaska would smack me. She wrote me they’re having a heat wave in Fairbanks. She’s really excited. It’s only -4 degrees. I had to read her note three times before I realized she was not being sarcastic.

      We finally got winter blankets on our horses…two days later…yup, they’re starting to shed out. This does not qualify as ‘winter’ to the majority of the horse world.

      Haiku farm will be my first stop with double-trouble chocolate cake, pirate style. (Swashbuckles of frosting)

  4. LOL!!! OMG ! you are hilarious sister, it’s so great to laugh at human nature, it’s scary but I can totally relate to you. You admit to stuff most people would not like to reveal about themselves, well your honesty makes the best reading on the blog sites for sure!
    I’m crazy bout animals and love to foster or work in an animal sanctuary. I’ve moved to Miami Beach 3 years ago from South Africa and am loving the so-called winters here.
    – To keep on my resolutions I’ve made visual aids like a weight loss chart, exercise chart and the obligatory photo of an athletic blond bombshell on the fridge door for inspiration.
    – For those of you who are wanting to save more this year I can recommend that you try the Tracfone prepaid plans that I’m using, as they only cost $7/month for service and you don’t have any extra hidden fee’s. I just use my phone for emergencies and now I spend my savings on a quality weekend away most months with my hubby and my dog Bruno.

    I’m going to read your blog to my husband and we’ll definitely look forward to reading more of your postings. Have a happy and successful year ahead!

  5. Please ensure the cake delivery service has a wide service area with flexible delivery people, so rural farms with cranky front gates are included.

  6. I never do New Year resolutions either, but I might now since I know there is an escape clause possibility. And please do open a dial-a-slice cake business country wide. I could definitely be your rep here in the east!

  7. OMG I am CRYING I’m laughing so hard! That’s the best resolution list EVER!

    And while I don’t know of any place that delivers cake, we do have a shop here in town that delivers fresh, hot-out-of-the-oven, homemade cookies. Tiff’s Treats. So buttery, with melty chocolate chips… do you think that would do in a pinch?

  8. I love your New Years’ Resolutions… I think mine probably look pretty similar! And sign me up for ordering cake! Why has no one done that yet? You’d think it would be a no-brainer 😉

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