Give Us This Day Our Daily Irony, or Standing Up to a Murderous Butter Knife

I IM’d Daisy after writing yesterday’s post.  I had to tell her about this totally hilarious thing that happened to me. That I could conceivably kill myself over.  I figured someone should know.

A few days ago I watched a TED talk on YouTube.  A prominent psychiatrist talking about what makes up happiness, and that psychiatry has discovered happiness is quantifiable: they can now test for it, support it, give you stuff to do to increase your chances of being happy.


I wrote down the name of the university website, and promptly took all of their personality tests.  Hey, I couldn’t sleep, I’m sick (who doesn’t want to be happy when they are running a fever?) and there was nothing on TV.  Perfect time to see what sort of stuff one is made of.

I rated in the top 100 percentile for positive outlook on life.

I also got the highest possible score for suicidal depression.

Numerous warnings flashed on the results page. Call a Suicide hotline immediately!  If the line is busy, call police! NO, think of pretty flowers, not bridges!  Do not move, reach for phone!  Get help!  Tell someone right NOW! Do not get in the car!!  Hug your dog!

Pretty much, this translated in my brain as a pleading sobbing voice saying: please don’t die, please don’t die now…think of all the suffering children in 3rd world countries who’d kill to be where you are, please let someone help you PLEASE.  We’re begging you!

(FYI: none of the questions asked if I was suicidal.)

Oh my GOD.  I’m suicidal and I don’t even know it!

I spent six minutes sitting rigidly still, afraid the silverware drawer would come closer.  I imagined it creeping closer and closer, the contents saying you want me, you know you do…

A threatening butter knife speaking to me in an evil voice made me…


Pretty soon the spoons chimed in: aw don’t do that!  You’ll wreck his self-esteem!  Don’t laugh at him, he’ll feel pathetic.

The butter knife looks like it’s about to cry.  He’s all weepy.  Aw.

The forks grumble: would you guys give it up already?  Some of us are trying to sleep. Besides, we already tried killing her, she’s just going to laugh at you.

I’m suicidal, but I have a very positive feeling about it, cheerful, even!


10 thoughts on “Give Us This Day Our Daily Irony, or Standing Up to a Murderous Butter Knife

  1. Suicidal optimist? Wow. I think that’ll get you your very own page in the Clinical Handbook!

    Perhaps they can have your picture taken with a butter knife in your hand. OOooo that would be so cool!

  2. Now I’m dying to take the test! Watched the TED talk (very interesting), didn’t hear it — was I not paying enough attention?

  3. tears. in. eyes. from. laughing. at. YOU!

    I sometimes wonder if your life is really this funny, or if you could take a perfectly boring life like mine and make it seem funny?

    Seems like there should be an app for that: enter your blog post, engage the application, and it will make your mundane trip to the equine dentist into a hilariously funny three-stooges catastrophe.

    Jane? If you aren’t writing the app, you should.

    1. It’s a perfectly boring, ordinary life. What did Jimmy Buffet sing? “If we didn’t laugh we’d all go insane?”
      I really did have a moment of fear that I could be suicidal without knowing it. OMGOSH! I need help! AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh. But I’m cursed with a curious brain. If I’m planning on killing myself, what is my plan? Oh no! No plan! I’d better come up with a plan or it could get messy. That’s when I thought of the silverware drawer and froze. That would be messy. And my sneaky little mind has to imagine the silverware talking and pretty soon I realize I’m not suicidal and it was all a big mistake.

      Apparently there’s a good side to being slow on the uptake – gives you lots of room with which to hang yourself and find it funny latter.
      You are brilliant! I’ll write an app!

  4. Only you, Jane. Only you. 🙂

    (Thanks for the relink to the Fork Attack – that was hysterical the first time I read it, and it’s hysterical AGAIN.)

    Feel better soon!!

  5. Get well soon! From the fever, that is. Or perhaps the possibility of suicidal depression. No, it sounds like insomnia that’s bothering you. I don’t know! Whichever one is causing you the bigger misery right now. 😉

    1. Thank you! I wish one of them bugged me enough to bother me. Then I could at least justify the angst the personality tests caused: it was because I was sick! Sleepless! Feverish! Pushed the wrong button! (Which is probably exactly what happened, but it still made for a good laugh. Or a good singles ad: woman with positive outlook on life seeks other for suicide pact.)

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