I Need Airbags

I emailed Daisy, Bella, Molly and Grace about the fractured rib.

Daisy wants Jane Gets Impaled: The Video.

Bella was shocked and concerned.  (Her experience with cracked ribs has more to do with major crashes: 2 ton bulls, an ornery steer, or a bad rotational in Eventing.)  When I told her how it happened, she was no longer shocked (typical Jane accident) but still concerned.  Very politely said she will not laugh.  She will NOT laugh.  She WILL NOT laugh! I AM NOT LAUGHING NOW.

I’m pretty sure she’s regretting loaning me her extra Gitmo roping knife until I can get one of my own.

Molly wants to know if I’m okay, can she do anything, and says not to worry, that Melody will be waiting.

Grace wants to know if I’m okay, AND she knows exactly what I need for my new sport, which she promptly helps name.

What new sport?  The one I plan on lobbying to Olympic levels: Hurling At Horses (HAH, for short).  I figure it will fall somewhere in the Eventing category.

What do we need?

Equestrian Airbags.  I’m not kidding.  You can buy an airbag here (it does make more sense to wear your airbag, rather than install it on the horse…) and slip it over your body protector.  Should you abruptly part company from your horse, CO2 gas canisters go off and your airbag vest inflates in 0.1 second as  you sail through the air.  (That isn’t One Mississippi, that’s one tenth of One Mississippi.)

Think of how useful this would be on the trail, if you are riding, say, next to Class 4 rapids.  Airbag-slash-life jacket!  If only Alec had one in The Black Stallion.

Have a gander:

It has a sort of retro combat feel, don’t you think?  Given my experience with Tacky Tack of the Day’s “Collection”, it will soon be available in glitter pink fringe with white leopard,  hair-on cowhide spots, topped by a bedazzled air canister pocket.  At the moment, it’s simply basic black.

#1 This is how you’d look ready to ride.

#2-3 This is how (presumably) you’d look after hurling yourself at a perfectly sensible horse for no reason in particular.  I’m telling you, HAH is going to catch on.  In anger management classes, if nothing else.  Bouncing humans off your horse wouldn’t be a bad addition to your sacking out program, either.

Disclaimer: I know nothing – good or bad – about the safety and efficacy of this product. I’ll leave the research to y’all. I’m going for the humor here.

6 thoughts on “I Need Airbags

  1. I’m in tears envisioning my horse’s reaction if I completely blind sided him with full on tackle/chest bump.

    Oh here comes the human.
    I hope she has a treat for me.
    Maybe she’ll rub my ears.
    I wonder why she’s just standing there.
    And why she’s giving me that strange look.
    Why is she running?
    At me?
    Oh god…
    she’s not….
    she couldn’t…
    is she?
    she is…..
    dear lord…..
    too fast…….
    adgfadf gd

  2. Oh my. I’m certain that if I got one of these vests hilarity would ensue. I would forget to unfasten the vest from the saddle before dismounting and it would blow unexpectedly. Not only would there be a strange noise but I would startle (jump outta my skin more like). I suspect even the steadiest horse might have a problem with that.

    But other than the obvious user-error potential (a near certainty in my case) it looks like it could be a real life saver.

    When I was a kid I tried a version of HAH with my pony. (After watching too many westerns where the cowboy hero vaults gracefully onto his horse…) He was NOT amused and I was not graceful. Luckily, apples were an acceptable apology.

    1. What would we do if our horses refused our heartfelt apologies?? Tiny has totally forgiven me.

      Speaking of TV cowboys, did you ever try the rump mount as a wild child? (Yes. I made it. I lived. I never did it again.)

      Okay…we’re striking the inflatable vest from Jane’s shopping list. I would never *ever* remember to unhook it. And the horses I’d be most likely to need it on? Most likely to spook.

      1. Of course I tried the rump mount! It was not appreciated or approved by my pony either. Also tried mounted archery, and that was acceptable. (Note it’s nearly impossible to shoot when your long bow is almost as tall as you are. There’s a reason the Mongols and other horse people used very short bows.) My pony voted VERY strongly in favor of playing Indians and not cowboys – Shetlands have opinions.

        I did not try the “leap from a balcony onto the horse below”. Heh.

    1. If they work as advertised, I want me one too.
      I used a currency converter, adding up the cost, in British pounds, of the vest, rip cord, and saddle attachment (I’m assuming it comes with a canister of CO2).

      At today’s exchange rate, it would cost US buyers @ $713 before tax and shipping.

      Lots cheaper than one trip to the emergency room.

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