Chocolate Crisis #3,287

I gave Shaun her favorite chocolate for Christmas.

The current crisis: I’m trying to decide if I should replace the chocolate, since I ate it all.  I know, I know.  You’re all thinking “Jane!  Replace the candy, you ate the gift you gave her?”

Um.  Yeah.  All of it.

Why would I consider NOT replacing it?

You see, if I replaced it again, that would be…(counting)…the fifth time I’ve snuck in a replacement.  I’m trying to preserve the illusion that I wouldn’t dream of eating the gift I gave her.

(See previous post on my fitness level.)

I am not evolved enough to understand her relationship to chocolate.  Chocolate has one purpose: it exists, therefore it is consumed. I bet Plato wouldn’t leave a box of chocolate lying around day after day (after DAY).

How can she leave it in the pantry? Chocolate. Untouched. For a MONTH. It’s unnatural.  She honestly thinks she can come home from work, 6 weeks from now, and there will be chocolate in the pantry.

Some people have an amazing capacity for denial.

Daisy ‘walked’ me, via cell phone, out to the neighbors trash can three times before Christmas.  So I could toss the remains of each feeding frenzy evidence.  Why the neighbors trash?  It would look normal for me to dig around in my trash (to retrieve it after we hang up), but very suspicious and strange for me to dig around in my neighbors trash.

Three weeks after Christmas, I text Daisy;

Jane: it’s in the pantry.  glowing.  it knows my name.   it likes me.

Daisy: NO!  its still there?

Jane: YES.  can u believe it?

Daisy:  does shaun know us at all?  she left it OUT?  the lid is still on right?

Jane: uh…

Daisy: you DIDNT

Jane: its sort of on its way to my thighs again?

Daisy: Why do u even ask me for help?

Jane: I left 4? would it help if I remind u that u like me?

Daisy: No.  u didn’t eat 4?  really?  U only ate 32?  ok, progress…

Jane: um. mis-counted…3 left…

Daisy: u know i can call & tell if your mouth is full

Jane: im gonna have to replace it again.

Daisy: this is the last time we replace!

Jane: $10 of chocolate cost $40 so far. wait.  add in gym membership for hazmat removal…

Daisy: replace.  if we eat it again, we have to tell shaun the truth.

Jane: no no no no

Daisy:  do you WANT to do this for the next 11 months?

Pause while I think about what 11 more months of this would look like on my thighs.

Jane:   yr right.  it will still be here in 11 mo.  got it.

Daisy: Jeeze finally

That was a week ago.  Can you guess the ending?

Right.  Box is missing again, and I will tell Shaun the truth.

It got moldy and I had to toss it.

15 thoughts on “Chocolate Crisis #3,287

  1. I’m not a big chocolate person myself (salt for me-I used to go eat the cow/horse salt licks in the pasture. That’s a story for another day). My grandmother on the other hand… she once at a entire box of chocolate ex-lax because it tasted good. BTW, she wasn’t senile. The results weren’t good, but she lived to tell the tale (and eat more chocolate).

  2. Ha ha ha! This reminds me of when I was little and my parents would give my sisters and I chocolate bunnies for Easter. I was/am definitely a Jane, while both sisters were Shauns. Bet you can guess how that ended! Every year, I’d eventually get busted hiding in some out of the way place, face covered in chocolate, guilty as hell. The only year I didn’t eat everyone’s bunnies was the year the dog got to them first (except for mine which was, of course, long gone). As expected, I still got blamed. Damn dog.
    Actually, I’ve been house sitting for a friend for the past 2 weeks whose mother recently shipped over a ton of chocolate from England. He’s coming home today and I have some mild anxiety about the fact that his chocolate stash is a mere fraction of the size it was when he left. Think he’ll notice? I need a 12 step.

    1. Mayday Mayday…can you replace? The phrase “from England” strikes fear into my US heart. Can you find same chocolate here?

      LOL to the Bunnies, and getting blamed when it was the dog. Totally unfair! What are they thinking?!?

      When chocolate can’t be replaced tips: (not that I know a THING about this). Remove any and all fluted brown paper thingies. Spread chocolate out evenly in the box. If not enough chocolate left in the box to cover up the missing, save all fluted brown paper thingies, buy some more chocolates (like a Whitman’s sampler) and *substitute*.

      Yeah it will taste weird. Odd. Bad batch. Happens sometimes.

      Uh-oh. Does this make me an enabler? *Sigh* 12-step link re food intervention on my “About” page. Sad when THAT is in one’s bio…

      1. Oh, Jane it’s SO much worse than that!!! Not only is the chocolate England specific, but it’s not even the Whitman’s sampler variety. We’re talking (big) bars – so I have to go for it and eat the whole thing and remove all evidence and hope he didn’t count them before he left! Of course there’s a whole variety of them, so a missing one will stand out more. AND he’s as much of a chocoholic as me, so he’ll know just as much as you or I would. =(

        I resorted to an annoyingly pleading message on the dry erase board begging for forgiveness.

  3. Chocolate goes bad in 7 days. Seriously.

    Look at it this way. You are saving her from e-choli (I think that’s what the er doctors call it).

    (The eat it or loose it philosophy is why my kid never gets to eat her whole bag of gummi bears. When she starts to do inventory, I’m doomed.)

    1. This is SO funny! I think it deserves to go up on the home page. I’ll leave the link in here, but put it up also. Thanks Suzanne!

      Um. Cake. I have this teeny little addiction to cake. I’m very straightforward about it, so people can tease me and play with me. Makes it less painful when I don’t get to eat it 3x a day, 365 days a year. 😉

  4. Perhaps Shaun would prefer a gift of…I dunno…fried liver? Or reallyreallyreally hot salsa? Or _____ (fill in blank with some food she likes that won’t short-circuit your brain). (or your butt).

    I get Jim gifts of Tootsie Rolls. He likes them. I would rather have a thumb amputated than eat one. If you come to my house at Hallowe’en (nobody ever does), you can have as many Tootsie Rolls as you want. Just don’t think you’ll get to touch the bag of Snickers in the freezer.

    Cuz, those are long gone.

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