I gave Shaun her favorite chocolate for Christmas.
The current crisis: I’m trying to decide if I should replace the chocolate, since I ate it all. I know, I know. You’re all thinking “Jane! Replace the candy, you ate the gift you gave her?”
Um. Yeah. All of it.
Why would I consider NOT replacing it?
You see, if I replaced it again, that would be…(counting)…the fifth time I’ve snuck in a replacement. I’m trying to preserve the illusion that I wouldn’t dream of eating the gift I gave her.
(See previous post on my fitness level.)
I am not evolved enough to understand her relationship to chocolate. Chocolate has one purpose: it exists, therefore it is consumed. I bet Plato wouldn’t leave a box of chocolate lying around day after day (after DAY).
How can she leave it in the pantry? Chocolate. Untouched. For a MONTH. It’s unnatural. She honestly thinks she can come home from work, 6 weeks from now, and there will be chocolate in the pantry.
Some people have an amazing capacity for denial.
Daisy ‘walked’ me, via cell phone, out to the neighbors trash can three times before Christmas. So I could toss the remains of each feeding frenzy evidence. Why the neighbors trash? It would look normal for me to dig around in my trash (to retrieve it after we hang up), but very suspicious and strange for me to dig around in my neighbors trash.
Three weeks after Christmas, I text Daisy;
Jane: it’s in the pantry. glowing. it knows my name. it likes me.
Daisy: NO! its still there?
Jane: YES. can u believe it?
Daisy: does shaun know us at all? she left it OUT? the lid is still on right?
Daisy: you DIDNT
Jane: its sort of on its way to my thighs again?
Daisy: Why do u even ask me for help?
Jane: I left 4? would it help if I remind u that u like me?
Daisy: No. u didn’t eat 4? really? U only ate 32? ok, progress…
Jane: um. mis-counted…3 left…
Daisy: u know i can call & tell if your mouth is full
Jane: im gonna have to replace it again.
Daisy: this is the last time we replace!
Jane: $10 of chocolate cost $40 so far. wait. add in gym membership for hazmat removal…
Daisy: replace. if we eat it again, we have to tell shaun the truth.
Jane: no no no no
Daisy: do you WANT to do this for the next 11 months?
Pause while I think about what 11 more months of this would look like on my thighs.
Jane: yr right. it will still be here in 11 mo. got it.
Daisy: Jeeze finally
That was a week ago. Can you guess the ending?
Right. Box is missing again, and I will tell Shaun the truth.
It got moldy and I had to toss it.